I’ve noticed over the course of my life I have gravitated towards the “all or nothing” way of living.
If my room can’t be perfectly clean, why bother making the bed?
If there are a pile of dishes in the sink, why bother wiping down the countertop?
If things are messy, why bother taking out the overflowing trash?
If I can’t clean out my entire inbox of thousands of messages, why bother deleting 10 or 15 right now?
If I can’t seem to each “healthy”, I’m ordering pizza or a burger, fries, and coke.
I can’t quite make that craft project perfect, so why bother?
There's no way that yoga headstand is happening, let me save myself the time and the trouble and the embarrassment. I'm gonna sit right here and just watch.
You get the gist, yeah? And I'm sure it's something we all feel at some point or another. But I sat with myself and took a good hard look. How much of my life am I living from this perspective? Simply a spectator on the sidelines of my own life. Twiddling my thumbs away at the impossibilities of perfection, the overwhelming giant piles of messes I ignore, and the complete lack of respect I've given to the process and journey of life.
Did I think perfection was the goal? Why, yes I did. My head say, "nah, that's silly", but my life was saying, "yup". What was I really looking for? That feeling of satisfaction, the pats on the back, the accolades, but most of all, I believed my perfection defined who I was and how I wanted to be seen in the world. And yet.. here I am.. sitting in a giant mess of unattempted things.. because if I never attempted them, then they wouldn't be up for judging.
I've begun to really see life as the momentary experiencing unfolding into each other. And I denied myself of that. Not only did I deny myself of this, but the world. We each have gifts, we each have something of ourselves to offer to the world in small and large ways, simply by living our lives. I was so worried about giving only what is perfect that I lost all of my life in-between.
Life is not the perfection or the achievement. It's moving forward each day, micro movements, tiny shifts of uncovering, discovering, bumping up against challenges, learning about ourselves, overcoming, creating and making, playing, and being present and saying, "YES!" to each moment that unfolds.
I've decided, I am ready to say "yes!!" to my life. I am working on goals that felt completely and utterly impossible and I am watching the shifts in teeny little bits at a time, and it is exciting!! I'm pushing forward and doing things that feel scary, but exciting to me. I'm sharing things that feel scary and new, I'm traveling to places that push my comfort zone boundaries, and I'm washing my dishes more regularly, even if the kitchen floors desperately need mopping.
